Today’s series of storms meant a storm headache for me, not all day, but as a sort of warning system before each line of storms moved through. Nothing big happened, at least not yet, but the heaviness and the headaches severely cut back on my productivity and made me rebellious about this, day 27 of the PAD Challenge and only three more days to go. The prompt today is “monsters” and I haven’t started. I will, though, but my heart isn’t in it.

Here’s the thing that keeps me going. I’ve learned, sad to say, that wanting to write, that wispy thing called inspiration, has very little to do with getting results. No, the real factor is just plain seat time and starting, rather than the feeling from the heart that I have something to write and by gosh, I’m going to write it. So, I’m going to write anyway– headache, lack of belief in my ability, and all. I wish I could just as easily turn off that inner voice that comes out at times and says “Yes, but how do you know it’s going to work THIS time?” It is an insidious, hateful version of self that comes out sometimes when I’ve had a series of submissions rejections, which has been the case since November.

No, that’s not true. I stopped sending out over winter break , waiting to find out about a major submission that was not simultaneous submit. I thought I could, if the poems were rejected, use each to seed a new packet. As it turned out, I waited close to three months, much too long to keep out of the market. So, that November date the headache-filled self stated is not really true. I started sending again in late March, so it’s been a month of only rejections.

So I’ll write. I’ll write, and in the morning, the headache will be gone and I will write again.

I filmed this when the first line of storm arrived around noon. The clouds don’t show well, but the wind through the azalea is a clue.